Who Was My Mother?

Wow. What a complex question. My mother and I had a rocky relationship. I never really understood who she was and I know that she never really understood who I am.

The heaviest burden of my sorrow is that now we will never really "know" one another this side of Heaven. The desire of every daughter is for her mommy to know her heart. That never happened for me, but I always held out hope that it would someday happen.

There just wasn't enough time in this life I guess. I thought that I had made peace with this reality; that she would never understand my heart. I thought that my "grown-up" relationship with Mom was enough. But my heart tells me that it wasn't and so I feel I have a double loss to grieve.

One thing that I do know is that I tried to be the best daughter I could and I think Mom tried her best to be a good mother too.

More time. Maybe that's what we needed was more time. Maybe had she survived the pneumonia we could have had a meeting of the minds while she battled the Cancer monster. Maybe.

There are many things that happened in the last few months that gave me a window into my Mother's soul. I hope to remember them here in this blog as I walk along. There are some things that I don't want to forget.

Mom was born on August 13, 1945 to Ralph and Charlotte. She grew up on a farm and married her high school sweetheart and my Father. I was born a year later and then my first brother was born 3 years after that.

After 13 years of what she called "hell" she divorced my Father and remarried. She had my second brother a year after her remarriage.

Mom was a homemaker for most of her life. She stayed home to be with us kids and when I was a little girl she was my 4H leader, Girl Scout helper and my brother's Cub Scout leader. When my second brother was in high school she headed up the cheering moms for wrestling.

There are a lot of troubled years I could mention here but I won't because for now I don't want to define her life by her weaknesses.

I know that she loved butterflies. Her house and her life was full of them. She also loved her pets. I think she sometimes related to the animals in her life better than the people in her world. I know this because I have inherited that gift too.

She loved her second husband. I believe he loved her too, perhaps more deeply than I have ever imagined before now. They were married for, wow, I don't even know... was it 30 some years?

I believed she loved us kids too, and she cherished her grandkids.

On July 18, 2008 she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer during a hospitalization for pneumonia. She chose treatment and had radiation and chemo for what was to be the rest of her life. She was almost finished with that schedule when she developed pneumonia again. She wasn't able to beat the pneumonia and passed away at her home on October 8, 2008. She had just celebrated her sixty-third birthday.

Ironically, she died on the very day that would have been her last radiation treatment.