Here's how snowflakes are formed:
You can learn more, even how to make and preserve snowflakes on THIS website.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Snowflakes
Aren't these cool? (Pun intended)
Here's how snowflakes are formed:
You can learn more, even how to make and preserve snowflakes on THIS website.
Here's how snowflakes are formed:You can learn more, even how to make and preserve snowflakes on THIS website.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Angel Band
ANGEL BAND
Jefferson Hascall
My latest sun is sinking fast
My race is nearly run
My longest trials now are past
My triumph has begun
Oh come angel band
Come and around me stand
Bear me away on your snow white wings
To my immortal home
Bear me away on your snow white wings
To my immortal home
Oh bear my longing heart to him
Who bled and died for me
Whose blood now cleanses from all sins
And brings me victory
Oh come angel band
Come and around me stand
Bear me away on your snow white wings
To my immortal home
Bear me away on your snow white wings
To my immortal home
I know I'm near the holy ranks
Of friends and kindred dear
I brush the dew on Jordan's banks
The crossing must be near
I've almost gained my heavenly home
My spirit loudly sings
The holy ones, behold they come
I hear the noise of wings
Oh bear my longing heart to Him
Who bled and died for me
Whose blood now cleanses from all sins
And brings me victory
Jefferson Hascall
My latest sun is sinking fast
My race is nearly run
My longest trials now are past
My triumph has begun
Oh come angel band
Come and around me stand
Bear me away on your snow white wings
To my immortal home
Bear me away on your snow white wings
To my immortal home
Oh bear my longing heart to him
Who bled and died for me
Whose blood now cleanses from all sins
And brings me victory
Oh come angel band
Come and around me stand
Bear me away on your snow white wings
To my immortal home
Bear me away on your snow white wings
To my immortal home
I know I'm near the holy ranks
Of friends and kindred dear
I brush the dew on Jordan's banks
The crossing must be near
I've almost gained my heavenly home
My spirit loudly sings
The holy ones, behold they come
I hear the noise of wings
Oh bear my longing heart to Him
Who bled and died for me
Whose blood now cleanses from all sins
And brings me victory
Monday, January 12, 2009
Spurrin' Life in the Belly
Melange of boots and spurs - from the Loveland, Colorado Cowboy Collectibles Show & Auction, June, 1998
Whoa there pardner! What the heck kinda title is that for a post on a blog about walking through grief of the death of your mother?
I think it is a pretty good one. When you lose a loved one, your own mortality stares you in the face. You sift through things that you thought were valuable both in the physical and the unseen realm. I have been doing that sifting.
Time is short. It's almost half over for me, so I figure I can decide to keep living the way I have or I can choose to kick it up a notch and really live.
I have a horse who is lazy. He needs a little spurring now and then or else he chooses to just meander through life and let it all happen around him. I guess that's an ok way to be... laid back and lazy. But I want more. So, since this is the beginning of a new year I am going to set out a few goals, starting with spurrin' my life in the belly.
I want to figure out how to deal a final blow to my tendency to enable. I also want to finish the book "What's so Amazing about Grace". I need to learn to accept more of God's grace.
Strength and mercy. Judgment and Grace. I want to develop a soft hand and a firm heel this year.
Gonna do the same with my horses too. I have a pair of real life spurs that I will be wearing more often. Motivation. I also have a new set of nice long reins I bought from that Amish guy last summer. Loose reins and soft hands for my horses. Grace.
So if you see me in the grocery store looking out of place wearing my spurs, cheer me on.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
"That" Story
It is late at night but I feel like I need to sit here a while a pound out the details of "that" story.
Time has a way of blurring details. Sometimes this is a blessing and a salve, and sometimes it robs us of clarity when we need to use our memories as the foundations in this beautiful architecture that is called our life. So here I am writing to remember.
If you don't want to read the story of how Mom died then this is the post to skip. But, you will also miss the story of how she went to Heaven. Mom saw heaven and we watched her see it and it was an amazing experience.
When my mother died it was the third day that she was in her home after we brought her from the hospital. Just now it hit me how ironic it was that we waited with her for three days just as Jesus' friends waited waited for him as he lay in the tomb.
Her first night at home Mom almost left us. She was in respiratory distress several times. We spent most of the night around her bed watching and waiting. She struggled. She seemed in and out of consciousness. She spent a lot of time "talking". She was restless, her mouth was moving and she shifted in her bed often. We couldn't hear her her words but it was obvious that in her conversation she was wrestling. With what we didn't know and perhaps it was better that way. I suspect that her conversation was with God and that it needed to be private.
At the time I was unnerved by my Mom's struggle and I began my own struggle with the Lord. The doctors had told us that Mom would fall asleep and slip peacefully away. Even with all of the medications she was receiving, what she was experiencing was anything but peaceful. I begged God to end her suffering. I didn't understand His strange mercy. I thought of how we humans grant mercy to our pets and end their suffering at the end of life and I became angry that God would allow Mom, who is so much more precious than an animal to struggle so. What I have come to believe now is that this night was God's mercy. I believe that He and Mom wrestled together and that God won.
The next day Mom rested much, but by that evening I knew that we were in for another rough night. There were things happening physically to her that told us that the end was drawing near. My brothers and I took turns sitting with her while the other two slept nearby on the couch or on the floor. Joe went to sleep the sleep of exhaustion in his own bed.
In the wee hours of the next morning the three of us were awakened by the nurse. Mom had suddenly awakened and was struggling to get out of bed. She had nearly made it before one of my brothers jumped up to hold her down. She was gesturing at the ceiling and was very excited. Her strength was incredible and I was terrified that she would waste the last bit of her energy and die while we were holding her down into the bed. But I was wrong.
The nurse on duty was every bit as alarmed as we were and called the doctor immediately to see if she could get more morphine to help settle Mom down. I went to wake Joe and my conversation with God on the way to his room was an angry one.
When I got back into the room Mom had settled some and as I watched her I realized that she wasn't trying to fight to stay, but that she was trying to leave! Her eyes were open and she seemed to be talking excitedly to someone - actually it seemed as if she were talking to a group of people.
She raised her arms to give hugs to guests unseen by us.
I couldn't understand most of what she was saying, but there were a few things she said were undeniable. Over and over she looked around and said, "Wow!" "Wow!"
"Yes," With a shake of her head, "I am ready to go."
"Now."
And she tried to get out of the bed again as if she could walk to heaven.
It seemed that she was being introduced to people. She would say, "Who?" many times, and many times it seemed as if she were trying to embrace people.
At one point she leaned over next to Joe and patted his arm and said, "Yes, Joe."
She seemed so excited and so happy. Not at all like the struggle of the night before. Her brow was smooth and she was completely comfortable with her unseen guests.
Watching her reminded me of the joy of Christmas that I have seen on the faces of my own children. Her face reflected surprise and joy.
Mom was so enraptured by what she was seeing that any attempts we made to communicate with her were pushed away. It almost seemed like she couldn't believe that we would interrupt. I don't think she realized that we couldn't see or hear what she saw.
We watched her converse for nearly an hour and a half. We couldn't believe the endurance that she had. Her little body was so frail by this time.
Then she began to fall asleep. Her eyes closed and her breathing slowed and then she was gone. Her passing was very peaceful after all.
I know that Mom saw heaven and I was blessed to be there to watch her go.
Time has a way of blurring details. Sometimes this is a blessing and a salve, and sometimes it robs us of clarity when we need to use our memories as the foundations in this beautiful architecture that is called our life. So here I am writing to remember.
If you don't want to read the story of how Mom died then this is the post to skip. But, you will also miss the story of how she went to Heaven. Mom saw heaven and we watched her see it and it was an amazing experience.
When my mother died it was the third day that she was in her home after we brought her from the hospital. Just now it hit me how ironic it was that we waited with her for three days just as Jesus' friends waited waited for him as he lay in the tomb.
Her first night at home Mom almost left us. She was in respiratory distress several times. We spent most of the night around her bed watching and waiting. She struggled. She seemed in and out of consciousness. She spent a lot of time "talking". She was restless, her mouth was moving and she shifted in her bed often. We couldn't hear her her words but it was obvious that in her conversation she was wrestling. With what we didn't know and perhaps it was better that way. I suspect that her conversation was with God and that it needed to be private.
At the time I was unnerved by my Mom's struggle and I began my own struggle with the Lord. The doctors had told us that Mom would fall asleep and slip peacefully away. Even with all of the medications she was receiving, what she was experiencing was anything but peaceful. I begged God to end her suffering. I didn't understand His strange mercy. I thought of how we humans grant mercy to our pets and end their suffering at the end of life and I became angry that God would allow Mom, who is so much more precious than an animal to struggle so. What I have come to believe now is that this night was God's mercy. I believe that He and Mom wrestled together and that God won.
The next day Mom rested much, but by that evening I knew that we were in for another rough night. There were things happening physically to her that told us that the end was drawing near. My brothers and I took turns sitting with her while the other two slept nearby on the couch or on the floor. Joe went to sleep the sleep of exhaustion in his own bed.
In the wee hours of the next morning the three of us were awakened by the nurse. Mom had suddenly awakened and was struggling to get out of bed. She had nearly made it before one of my brothers jumped up to hold her down. She was gesturing at the ceiling and was very excited. Her strength was incredible and I was terrified that she would waste the last bit of her energy and die while we were holding her down into the bed. But I was wrong.
The nurse on duty was every bit as alarmed as we were and called the doctor immediately to see if she could get more morphine to help settle Mom down. I went to wake Joe and my conversation with God on the way to his room was an angry one.
When I got back into the room Mom had settled some and as I watched her I realized that she wasn't trying to fight to stay, but that she was trying to leave! Her eyes were open and she seemed to be talking excitedly to someone - actually it seemed as if she were talking to a group of people.
She raised her arms to give hugs to guests unseen by us.
I couldn't understand most of what she was saying, but there were a few things she said were undeniable. Over and over she looked around and said, "Wow!" "Wow!"
"Yes," With a shake of her head, "I am ready to go."
"Now."
And she tried to get out of the bed again as if she could walk to heaven.
It seemed that she was being introduced to people. She would say, "Who?" many times, and many times it seemed as if she were trying to embrace people.
At one point she leaned over next to Joe and patted his arm and said, "Yes, Joe."
She seemed so excited and so happy. Not at all like the struggle of the night before. Her brow was smooth and she was completely comfortable with her unseen guests.
Watching her reminded me of the joy of Christmas that I have seen on the faces of my own children. Her face reflected surprise and joy.
Mom was so enraptured by what she was seeing that any attempts we made to communicate with her were pushed away. It almost seemed like she couldn't believe that we would interrupt. I don't think she realized that we couldn't see or hear what she saw.
We watched her converse for nearly an hour and a half. We couldn't believe the endurance that she had. Her little body was so frail by this time.
Then she began to fall asleep. Her eyes closed and her breathing slowed and then she was gone. Her passing was very peaceful after all.
I know that Mom saw heaven and I was blessed to be there to watch her go.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Twists and Turns
This whole journey of grieving the loss of my Mom has taken a lot of twists and turns that I never expected. It hasn't just been about sorrow. Sorrow has been the river I am floating on, but some the new vistas it has afforded me have been startling in their beauty. So,this blog is about to take some of these twists and turns as well.
Apologies to the family members whom I have invited here. My Mom's journey has ended, at least in this world, but mine continues. So, while I will continue take time to reflect on Mom's life here in this blog, I need it to become more than just a memorial.
I am finding that my journey through life is inextricably intertwined with my experience of the last 6 months. I have tried to segregate Grief and hold it in a place of it's own, even creating this blog just for it. God has had other plans. I have had dreams and read books and had conversations that have woven new meaning of my mother's death into the fabric of my daily life. And I am not just talking about sorrow and sadness; a part of my worldview has shifted, and I daresay it has been for the better.
God has a way of doing that to me - taking my pain and using it as the fertile ground for my growth. I wouldn't ever (ever) pick this path for me, but now that I am stuck on it I will gladly allow Him to make something out of it. Anything.
I think He is talking to me. I am trying to listen. Hopefully some of what I hear will spill out here on the pages of this blog.
I am still grieving. Tears are still ready to well up often, but I want to continue to walk intentionally down this path. I will wrestle with this angel and get the blessing.
Apologies to the family members whom I have invited here. My Mom's journey has ended, at least in this world, but mine continues. So, while I will continue take time to reflect on Mom's life here in this blog, I need it to become more than just a memorial.
I am finding that my journey through life is inextricably intertwined with my experience of the last 6 months. I have tried to segregate Grief and hold it in a place of it's own, even creating this blog just for it. God has had other plans. I have had dreams and read books and had conversations that have woven new meaning of my mother's death into the fabric of my daily life. And I am not just talking about sorrow and sadness; a part of my worldview has shifted, and I daresay it has been for the better.
God has a way of doing that to me - taking my pain and using it as the fertile ground for my growth. I wouldn't ever (ever) pick this path for me, but now that I am stuck on it I will gladly allow Him to make something out of it. Anything.
I think He is talking to me. I am trying to listen. Hopefully some of what I hear will spill out here on the pages of this blog.
I am still grieving. Tears are still ready to well up often, but I want to continue to walk intentionally down this path. I will wrestle with this angel and get the blessing.
Friday, December 26, 2008
A Christmas Hug from Mom and Joe
Last week Joe told me that he had sent out a check to our family for our Christmas present. He asked me to give him a call when we received it. When I talked to him yesterday (Christmas morning) he was disappointed that it hadn't made it here yet. We were disappointed too, but hey, the mail always runs slow the week before Christmas.
This morning I was sound asleep having the most wonderful dream. I can't remember the whole thing, except that I came down a flight of stairs and mom was sitting there! She looked younger, but she had the same haircut that she had when I first went to Ohio last summer. She said, "Boo!" (sooo typical for her when she would surprise me with something). I was giving her a big hug and starting to cry when I felt someone shaking my shoulder. It was my daughter waking me up, "Mommy! We got the check from grandpa Joe this morning!"
Wow what are the chances of her waking me up right in the middle of a hug from Mom to tell me we got the check from (her and) Joe??
Ok, so I am weepy today, but I feel like I got a really great Christmas present!
Citrus Swallowtail "Merry Christmas" Butterfly
This morning I was sound asleep having the most wonderful dream. I can't remember the whole thing, except that I came down a flight of stairs and mom was sitting there! She looked younger, but she had the same haircut that she had when I first went to Ohio last summer. She said, "Boo!" (sooo typical for her when she would surprise me with something). I was giving her a big hug and starting to cry when I felt someone shaking my shoulder. It was my daughter waking me up, "Mommy! We got the check from grandpa Joe this morning!"
Wow what are the chances of her waking me up right in the middle of a hug from Mom to tell me we got the check from (her and) Joe??
Ok, so I am weepy today, but I feel like I got a really great Christmas present!
Citrus Swallowtail "Merry Christmas" Butterfly
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Butterflies
Every time I see a butterfly it reminds me of Mom. This is the latest one.
I have been really missing Mom lately. It seems to be sinking in with me that she is gone "for good". It's nearly Christmas. I found a recipe for Grandma Gahring's cut out cookies that both of us have been looking for for several years now. It has cream cheese in it and they are sooo yummy. Sure wish I could have called Mom up and given it to her!
Here are the cookies we made with that recipe. Cherish baked them all and we frosted them as a family.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Thanksgiving Part Two
An unfortunate turkey we raised 2 years ago... he was a beauty... and he tasted very good!Wow... what a wonderful surprise... Thanksgiving for me was a day truly to be thankful for!
My in laws were out of town and so we decided to just celebrate together as a family.
On Wednesday, all of the kids, Tom and I cleaned house. That night some of us went to town to finish shopping. Thank God for Wal-Mart. What did we ever do without Wal-Mart? We splurged on a festive tablecloth and some smelly candles.
Thanksgiving morning all of the kids were excited about cooking dinner. I made a list and everybody chose which dish they wanted to help cook. I had so much fun teaching them and telling stories about my childhood and about the people who handed down the recipes to me.
Everyone was home, even my college kid oldest.
I called many of my relatives back in Ohio and everything was Okay. I missed my Mom, but it wasn't so bad. Her passing has given me a new deeper appreciation for the Dear Ones who are still here with me.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Birth
During the last several days of my Mom's suffering I was reminded of the process we go through as women when we are laboring to bring forth a baby. Many times at Mom's bedside I caught myself feeling just as I have before while helping a dear friend labor.
It felt odd when I connected those two experiences; birth and death. But the more I think about it and the closer I get to my own journey to heaven, the more I realize they are very similar.
When you watch a woman, someone you love laboring, you wish you could carry her pain. But,you know it is her journey alone to make. You stand near, you watch and pray. You sing and offer comfort as she tries to breathe through her pain. You watch and wait and cry and hold her hand and rub her back and you pray some more. You help her to be brave. And you wait with her.
Then when it is time, when the hard labor is over, you watch the new life as it comes into the world.
That's how it was when Mom died. She labored. At the end of her labor she saw heaven. We who were her midwives got a glimpse of Heaven through her eyes. I believe what she was was as bright and blinding as a newborn's first vision of this earth.I will share that story soon.
I found this beautiful video on a friend's blog recently. It is a woman who is singing as she is laboring to bring forth her 10 pound son. She is singing the 23rd Psalm. I hope when it is my turn to complete the labor of this life I will be able to sing like she does.
It felt odd when I connected those two experiences; birth and death. But the more I think about it and the closer I get to my own journey to heaven, the more I realize they are very similar.
When you watch a woman, someone you love laboring, you wish you could carry her pain. But,you know it is her journey alone to make. You stand near, you watch and pray. You sing and offer comfort as she tries to breathe through her pain. You watch and wait and cry and hold her hand and rub her back and you pray some more. You help her to be brave. And you wait with her.
Then when it is time, when the hard labor is over, you watch the new life as it comes into the world.
That's how it was when Mom died. She labored. At the end of her labor she saw heaven. We who were her midwives got a glimpse of Heaven through her eyes. I believe what she was was as bright and blinding as a newborn's first vision of this earth.I will share that story soon.
I found this beautiful video on a friend's blog recently. It is a woman who is singing as she is laboring to bring forth her 10 pound son. She is singing the 23rd Psalm. I hope when it is my turn to complete the labor of this life I will be able to sing like she does.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Holidays - Thanksgiving
I was talking with someone recently about Thanksgiving. They had also lost a parent recently and were dreading being with the rest of the family for Thanksgiving.
Today I wish I could travel to be with my extended family for this holiday. I would like to be with them. Some of them knew my Mom even better than I did. Her brothers and sister grew up with her. I would like to share my grief with them. I wouldn't have to explain how I feel, they would just know.
My brothers understand how I feel. So does my stepdad.
Somehow it seems they connect me to her.
Today my grief feels like longing. Longing for connection. Longing for what could have been. Just longing. It is like a big empty place. I don't know how to fill it. Maybe I am not supposed to, I dunno.
Here is a butterfly that I know Mom would have loved. It was her favorite color.
Today I wish I could travel to be with my extended family for this holiday. I would like to be with them. Some of them knew my Mom even better than I did. Her brothers and sister grew up with her. I would like to share my grief with them. I wouldn't have to explain how I feel, they would just know.
My brothers understand how I feel. So does my stepdad.
Somehow it seems they connect me to her.
Today my grief feels like longing. Longing for connection. Longing for what could have been. Just longing. It is like a big empty place. I don't know how to fill it. Maybe I am not supposed to, I dunno.
Here is a butterfly that I know Mom would have loved. It was her favorite color.
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